To the Onion:
You may be writing from “the future” upstairs but we are responding from further up the chain than you. Please don’t characterize your messages offensively. There are better ways to get our attention than to mock our family and our present situation, even if you don’t believe what we are saying. Our messages are intended to reach everyone. We need everyone to understand what is happening here in order to try and prevent it from continuing. It also happens to you upstairs. Bee blew up the upstairs about a month ago and then several days later you were back with no idea that you had been “alien attacked.” So we do need all humans upstairs and down to get on our page and on our side.
And we need all of the Greys to know that they need to persuade Kodiak and Bee to allow them to move to their own time loop to distance themselves from the rest of us. We need the Twos to understand that we will help them to develop independent lives and that we understand the horrible situation Bee has created where they can barely survive without humans. Humans would hang on to survival too, if they were in your shoes. We understand that. We will help you. Everyone needs to stop aiding the Greys, even if you are afraid of what they will do to you. Because what they already are planning to do is to kill all of us. Anything you can do to avoid helping them accomplish that objective is important, and appreciated very deeply. You may have to stand up against them and we know how hideous that might be for you.
Here’s the Onion story and we note that we here on this Earth are trapped between an oncoming freight train and a Satanic goat at the present. But how will keeping silent improve matters? And talking about bashing anyone’s skull is unnecessary. Figure out who you are talking to, and hurry up about it! Is that really what you want to say to him?
THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.” “I realize he must have performed many good deeds in life in order to get here, but every time that thing opens its mouth I just want to bash my skull in,” said The Creator of All Things, lamenting how the angel’s high-pitched, nasally squawk seemed to carry across the entire expanse of paradise. “Also, the way he pronounces ‘seraphim’ like ‘serathin’ drives me up a fucking wall. I frankly don’t give a shit that he just arrived—there’s no way that fuck is sticking around for all of eternity.” At press time, God had banished the angel to Hell with special instructions for Satan to inflict most of the torment on his vocal cords.